THE CLONES - DIARY TRANSCRIPTS VOLUME I
Volume II Volume III Volume IV Vol V
1977 Sept 13th Rain's first gig at Crows Nest Hotel coincides with the 15th anniversary of The Beatles
    signing to EMI, Jewish New Year and the anniversary of the Munich Olympics terrorist
    attack!
  Dec 11th "After much negotiation, late nights, ulcers, job leaving, murders, assassinations, death,
    hurt, pain, whipping, destruction and other things not exactly pleasant, we are
    still on the brink of a break up. These are very bad times for all - this might be the
    last entry - I pray there is a future and just a few more pages to add to this
    diary (Sunday 11.12.77 5.46pm)" - Noel
1978 April 17th "There was a young band called The Clones
    who once went around as the Drones
    but then they got tight
    which made the sound right
    but that doesn't account for the fucking drumming!" - Mark
  May John - "I've been in this bloody band now for some two months (yes, two months - it only seems
    like years!) and I can't stand it anymore, I'm going crazy!! I mean, could you survive? Noel Sharpe
    constantly describing his love life in detail at three in the morning then there's Mark with his socks
    that have six ways to get in and his bloody awful cups of tea then Ian (who has great taste in music)
    [and his] hours of guitar tuning and "I love Johnny Rotten" sing-a-longs but all in all I'm having a
    great time......P.S - Who's Aly?
     
    "John walked down the street feigning a hat-pin from an old lady bird flying in the sky pilot engine of a
    Boeing 707 jet race which wasn't the decision of the final decision that made a false pretence on a
    camp divided by a main roads system is a pathetic situation comedy to be in, speaking of which I
    almost died in the arseholes to that you pigeon-headed piece of baloney to you!" - Mark
     
    A SHORT STORY by Mark
     
    ....and so Rarney Bubble and Chester Diptheria went on holiday together to a decrepit island where they
    met Agnes Moorehead and Beatrice Lung and proceeded to play table tennis. Toast and pancakes was
    their main food supplemented occasionally by a chess set or bacon and eggs. One day the camp
    proprietor, Cyril Weatherboard-Cottage, arrived at their tent and told them to fucking piss off or
    he'd shoot their fucking arseholes out.........
     
  May 16th LOVE LIVES:
    Mark: Doesn't care
    John: Up and down, up and down
    Noel: It's dead still and going backwards
     
    A MINI-PLAY: THE CLONES (A Day in the life of.........)
    Characters:
    John - Rhythm guitar, vocals, ace songwriter
    Ian - Lead guitar, vocals, red colouring
    Noel - Drums, non-musical contributions, bi-focals
    Mark - Bass, vocals, brunt of humour
     
  9am Mark & John wake up and launch into 'chin chins' from (The Easybeats') Baby I'm A Comin'
  9.10am Noel & Ian wake up and throw pots and pans at Mark & John
  9.11am Mark & John stop singing 'chin chins' from Baby I'm A Comin'
  9.12am Noel & Ian return to their slumber
  9.13am Mark & John launch into the chorus from I Want to Hold Your Hand
  9.14am Noel & Ian wake up again and throw Mark & John off verandah
  9.16am Noel & Ian return to sleep
  9.30am John & Mark come back to the flat slightly bruised and decide to make breakfast
  10am Noel & Ian eat breakfast
  10.01am Noel & Ian throw breakfast at Mark & John
    [Dialogue begins.....]
  JOHN Sorry, but I thought you liked chicken liver sauce and asparagus tips on crumpets
  IAN (cough, cough, splutter....)
  NOEL (cough, cough, splutter........urgggggggggh, vomit, splutter)
  JOHN Ok - how about Corn Flakes?
  MARK What a wonderful, peachy keen idea
  NOEL [singing] "I'd like to teach the world to sing........."
    [at this point the other three break into fits of convulsive laughter]
  JOHN Let's go to practice [writes a song first]
  MARK What a great, simply wonderful idea!
  IAN Fuck off, you great corny shit-face!
  MARK Pardon me, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that but I'm sure it was a nice thing you said though
    [they finally manage to get to practice]
  JOHN [while writing a song] I hope we get a lot done today cos' I'm going away next week [looks up and
    finishes song]
  IAN [while punching Mark in the stomach] That's ok, we can do fifteen gigs and three practices while
    you're away
  JOHN [while completing a three song suite he just thought of] Oh, thanks a lot! [he finishes the suite]
  IAN [while stabbing Mark through the heart with a red hot poker] That's ok
  MARK Oh, I'm sure that was but a minor accident on your part Ian
  NOEL Hey, why don't we learn the entire album of Tubular Bells for our encore?
  IAN No
  MARK Of course Noel, what a simply marvellous idea [suddenly, Mark is overcome by acute depression and
    spends the rest of the practice huddled in a corner screaming]
  JOHN You're kidding, I'd never do that crap - it's worse than The Troggs!
  IAN Right, let's run through the songs
  JOHN I think it would be better to learn sixteen of my new songs that I've just written [he quickly grabs a
    blank sheet of paper and writes another song], this new one is called One Day Last Week and this other
    one is called One Day Next Year and - hold it [writes another one] this one is called One Day in the
    21st Century
  4.15pm [Practice ends]
    [John pisses off - Noel, Mark and Ian pack up the gear]
  6.30pm [Noel, Mark and Ian leave the studio and plead with Trevor (studio boss) if they can be in Studio 4
    next week]
  TREVOR No, Lynx have a permanent booking because they are the future of rock and have such
    great personalities!
    [John comes back and catches Mark, Ian and Noel before they leave and hands them fifty eight new
    songs of his to learn]
     
  Sept 22nd Noel - "We played the Epping School of Arts - we followed a heavy rock band who were very heavy,
    lights etc. you know. We had them dancing and ya-hooing. John and me ripped some posters off the
    walls advertising Widow Quinn and The Clones until only one was left advertising The Clones. I had
    my wallet stolen and then I saw Batman and Robin."
  Sept 29th Played the Regent Hotel, Kingsford. Mrs Clones Manager (Annie Keogh) saw us for the first time........
    ....."and the last time for God's sake!" she said.
    Mrs Clones ("I hate the Beatles") Manager is still suffering and must be injected with daily doses
    of butterscotch to help her recover from the shock.
     
   

BEING A SHORT DIVERSION ON THE RELEASE OF THE FIRST CLONES ALBUM......

     
    Pop picking is a fast and furious business these days, whether you are on the recording studio side
    listening out or on the disc counter side listening in.
     
    As a record reviewer, I find myself installed halfway in between with an ear cocked in either direction.
    So far as Australia's record collecting public is concerned, The Clones broke into earshot in October 1979.
    My natural hometown interest in the group prevented me taking a totally unbiased view of their
    early success.
     
    Eighteen months before their first visit to the Albert Studios in Sydney, The Clones had been voted
    Sydney's favourite outfit and it was inevitable that their first EMI record, AARDVARK ME DO, would
    go straight into the top of Sydney's hit parade.
     
    This record comprises eight Cloned compositions in addition to six other numbers which have
    become firm favourites in The Clones varied repertoire.
     
    The group's admiration for the work of The Aardvarks is demonstrated by the inclusion of
    BABY A-CHOO CHOO (John taking the lead sneeze with Mark and Ian supplying the harmony hiccups)
    and TITS (a fast rocker which allows drummer Noel to make his first and last recorded appearance
    as a semi-vocalist).
     
    BANANNA, DON'T ASK ME WHY and SHAKE AND SHOUT also feature stand-out solo performances
    from John whilst DO YOU WANT TO KNOW AN AARDVARK hands the audio spotlight to Ian.
     
    All in all, this album is stuffed and I wouldn't buy it if it was given to me.............
     
  Oct 22nd Played at Garibaldi's Community Centre punk club - Sunday night. It was....err, different!
  Oct 28th John has left his job with the Commonwealth Bank, Summer Hill giving weight to the rumours that
    The Clones are going all the way
  Nov 9th David Keogh - "This is an historic moment. The time - 1.05am. The date - November 9, 1978. At this
    moment in time I, David Keogh, seven days from being The Clones manager for two months, hereby
    make my first entry in The Clones historical review.
    As manager, my first directive in writing is for this written record to be maintained at all times in the
    present and future ("get whacked!!" - interlude from Mark).
    The following is a non-paid political commercial written outside the Coach & Horses Hotel between
    dodging ill-aimed blows being thrown by various Clones and hangers-on!!
    The Clones will survive!!!
    Ve vill beat zem on ze beaches and ze Seaview and in the loo of Garibaldi's. We will be able to be in
    Juke next week! (watch the 'what's on' column folks). That's all for now."
  Nov 22nd Played at Dr Redbird's Wine Bar, North Sydney - famous quote: "Never played on a matchbox before!"
    Noel gave his ride cymbal the boot for the night - we missed it dearly. Next time we'll bring our
    own stage.
  Nov 23rd Governor Bourke Hotel, Camperdown - for the first time, the band outnumbers the audience!
    Rob Younger of Radio Birdman turned up about three songs before the end and yelled for more!
    Mark broke a bass string ("impossible" he said, until it happened)
  Nov 28th Regent Hotel, Kingsford - part of the show recorded on videotape [and exists to this day!-Ed}
1979 Jan 4th Mark - "On Monday we will be interviewed by SPURT magazine - a punk fanzine that is only sold in
    record bars. Afterwards we will have a band meeting and fire David who has been nothing but
    trouble since his moustache blew up."
  Jan We've now done 68 gigs so are well on the way to our first 100. Mark is 21 soon, leaving John behind
    as the baby in the group (goo goo da da)..........
     
    AND NOW, PRESENTING THE CLONE AWARDS FOR 1978
    Best, most dedicated fan: Kerry (honourable mention to Shelley to prevent death of Kerry!)
    Best song of the year: I Want to Hold Your Foot
    Most improved song of the year: (tie) Dizzy and She's Not There (after we dropped them!)
    Stupid comment of the year: "I Should Have Known Better is too well known, let's do She Loves You!"
    Chin of the Year: John
    Funniest sight of the year: John as Johnny Aardvark at Arthur's Court {tie} Noel at Regent New Years
    Party {tie} Mark's face
     
    Finally, The Golden Clone Award for 1978 to Mr and Mrs David Keogh who had butterscotch and courage
    and faith and egg and bacon pie at all the right times............
     
    2nd MINI-CLONES PLAY.....("Another day in the life of....")
     
  DAVID Now listen fellas, you've got to be more professional, you've got to drop 'Dizzy', you've got to sing
    better, you've got to smile, you've got to jump around, you've got to talk to the audience.....
  MARK You've got to go!
  NOEL What do you mean, we've got to - you're only the manager, we're the stars - always remember that
  DAVID Ok Cisco but you'll never make it without my moustache
  JOHN ........or my mother's
  IAN Ok boys, we've got to stop this [phone rings, Ian answers - it's his girlfriend who wants him to decide
    between her or the band - he considers the facts: Should he be with a beautiful, warm-hearted, sensitive
    girl whom he loves dearly - enough to buy her milkshakes with malt in them - or should he stay with
    three guys, one with a big chin, a mean disposition and 3,685 pimples, one with a big nose, rotten haircut
    and a wimpy attitude to everything and one who is a drummer? After a few seconds he chooses
    the girl]
  DAVID See you Ian. Okay boys, what do we do now?
  NOEL Well, we could talk to the audience
  DAVID And smile..........[for a minute everyone gets excited because Ian comes back in the room but he just
    forgot his shoes]
  JOHN Okay, who's going to sing Route '66 and When I Get Home?
  MARK You can, I'm leaving............
  DAVID You can't leave
  MARK Ok, I'll stay
  NOEL I'm leaving
    [silence]
    [Noel walks out the door, pushed by John and Mark]
  DAVID Now we've got to replace both of them
  JOHN But where are we going to find anyone bad enough to fill Noel's position?
  MARK I know, we'll get Geoff!
  DAVID No, he doesn't have enough cymbals
  MARK I'm leaving
  DAVID You can't leave
  MARK Yes I can, look [he leaves]
  DAVID Well, now that they're all gone John, that just leaves you
  JOHN Great, now I can play bass with one hand, guitar with another and drums with my feet-I can also sing
    lead and harmonies both at the same time
  DAVID And remember to smile at the audience, talk to them a lot and don't waste time between songs
     
  NEXT WEEK John does his first gig at French's to rave reviews - he gets a record contract, becomes a big star and all
    of him lives happily ever after. David buys a new moustache....
     
    DAVID WRITES: "Having fitted my new moustache, I now feel fully qualified to further this fantastic
    collection of meaningless antiques. As always, it's 3.25am on a Saturday morning, January 6th.........."
     
  Jan 6th Hopetoun Hotel - notable for its Imperial-type atmosphere/as soon as you turn your head there's a brawl.
    Jim Towers of Cordon Bleu came and said "of course I'm French, why do you think my agency
    has this outrageous name?!?"
     
    ANOTHER CLONES PLAY (not another one......."yes, another one!")
     
  THE SCENE It's 9am on a Saturday morning. It was quiet in The Clones household. Noel is in bed asleep, his
    sheets and blankets saturated with the sweat pouring from his now fully opened perspiration
    glands. John is reclining wistfully in an armchair facing out of the immense glass window which
    provides a flirtatious view of the grandiose valley below.........
    Mark and Ian are quietly discussing the gig the night before while sipping vivaciously from mugs of
    hot coffee prepared by Mrs. Clones Manager who is in the kitchen conjuring up a delightful
    breakfast of egg and bacon pie with a side order of butterscotch.
    David is nowhere to be found but his trail is obvious as fine moustache hairs lay in a line, leading
    out on the landing like a lion's life is lead, leading lowly existence while living little less than
    lengthy times..........
  IAN I think we should drop anything that doesn't move
  MARK But that means there'll be only three songs left
  IAN Good! Then we can go home earlier
  DAVID [leading even lowlier like a little lamb back into the lounge]
    Good morning amigos!
  IAN Hello David, I was just saying to Mark that we should drop more songs
  DAVID I was just thinking about suggesting that we could drop everything and do IT'S MY LIFE by
    The Animals 45 times every night
  NOEL Good idea [he says as he slurps and slobbers into the room, his sweat soaked feet leaving a damp trail
    on the shag pile]
  JOHN [looking over from his chair whilst bursting pimples in all directions] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
    no, no, - I absolutely refuse, I will not do it, no, no, no, no, no, no way, never! - definitely my answer
    is NO! What was it you were suggesting again?
  IAN Go back to sleep John
  JOHN But I am - I can sleep and argue at the same time. I have an automatic recording in my mouth that
    just says no to every request
  MARK If you don't shut up I'll skewer you with this mike stand and smash my bass over your head
  NOEL Come on fellas, we're supposed to love each other. Well, we're supposed to like each other a lot -
    at least we're supposed to think a little of each other - well, you can't say we're supposed to
    hate each other.......
  MARK Now you're talking, where's my mike stand?
  ANNIE [aka Mrs Clones Manager] Now let's be logical about this-don't get into any radical absurdities
    or paranoid schizophrenias - we can do without unnecessary phobias or incandescent tubulatory
    miscarriages
  DAVID Will you please not do that Annie!
  MARK Do you want to borrow my mike stand David?
  IAN I'm leaving the band..........
  DAVID Why?
  IAN I have to go to the toilet
  DAVID Oh, good - you'll be back then
  IAN I think so, and when I come back I want us to practice for two hours and then take a five minute break
    and then practice until next Monday. Then we can link up fifty eight songs, choreograph three jumps,
    make some posters, practice some more and then we can really start working
  DAVID I don't care what you do as long as you do some of it on the North Shore
  ANNIE Ian's got a point there, so has Noel, good idea Mark and John's right about that [Annie looks around
    and makes three more stuffed toys]
  DAVID Could you not do that Annie!!!
  ANNIE Sorry-I'm really, really sorry
  MARK I feel in a violent mood tonight, let's go out and kill a few punks
  IAN But I thought you were a wimp
    [Mark suddenly has a wimpy relapse and retreats to the corner for the next three hours while John
    writes twenty four new songs, Ian talks and Annie makes another eighty nine stuffed toys]
  DAVID Could you all not do that!!!!!
    [Three days later, after much songwriting, toy stuffing, wimping etc. they all decide to sit down and
    have a serious meeting. Three hours after they begin the meeting someone starts to talk...]
  IAN I think we need to improve the playing ability - in other words, Mark, Noel and John should stop
    playing
    [There is silence for a few seconds then the entire room erupts into a volcanic explosion of attack,
    insult, counter-attack and counter insult with Annie in the middle trying to psychoanalyse the
    whole situation and work out who is right and why. She's going well until a stray Venetian cookie
    connects with her upper molars and she collapses in a heap under the battered coffee table]
  EVERYONE COULD YOU PLEASE NOT DO THAT ANNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
     
    HOME