The Clones.net.au

1977	Sept 13th	Rain's first gig at Crows Nest Hotel coincides with the 15th anniversary of The Beatles
		signing to EMI, Jewish New Year and the anniversary of the Munich Olympics terrorist
		attack!
	Dec 11th	"After much negotiation, late nights, ulcers, job leaving, murders, assassinations, death,
		hurt, pain, whipping, destruction and other things not exactly pleasant, we are
		still on the brink of a break up. These are very bad times for all - this might be the
		last entry - I pray there is a future and just a few more pages to add to this
		diary (Sunday 11.12.77 5.46pm)" - Noel
1978	April 17th	"There was a young band called The Clones
		who once went around as the Drones
		but then they got tight
		which made the sound right
		but that doesn't account for the fucking drumming!" - Mark
	May	John - "I've been in this bloody band now for some two months (yes, two months - it only seems
		like years!) and I can't stand it anymore, I'm going crazy!! I mean, could you survive? Noel Sharpe
		constantly describing his love life in detail at three in the morning then there's Mark with his socks
		that have six ways to get in and his bloody awful cups of tea then Ian (who has great taste in music)
		[and his] hours of guitar tuning and "I love Johnny Rotten" sing-a-longs but all in all I'm having a
		great time......P.S - Who's Aly?

		"John walked down the street feigning a hat-pin from an old lady bird flying in the sky pilot engine of a
		Boeing 707 jet race which wasn't the decision of the final decision that made a false pretence on a
		camp divided by a main roads system is a pathetic situation comedy to be in, speaking of which I
		almost died in the arseholes to that you pigeon-headed piece of baloney to you!" - Mark

		A SHORT STORY by Mark

		....and so Rarney Bubble and Chester Diptheria went on holiday together to a decrepit island where they
		met Agnes Moorehead and Beatrice Lung and proceeded to play table tennis. Toast and pancakes was
		their main food supplemented occasionally by a chess set or bacon and eggs. One day the camp
		proprietor, Cyril Weatherboard-Cottage, arrived at their tent and told them to fucking piss off or
		he'd shoot their fucking arseholes out.........

	May 16th	LOVE LIVES:
		Mark: Doesn't care
		John: Up and down, up and down
		Noel: It's dead still and going backwards

		A MINI-PLAY: THE CLONES (A Day in the life of.........)
		Characters:
		John - Rhythm guitar, vocals, ace songwriter
		Ian - Lead guitar, vocals, red colouring
		Noel - Drums, non-musical contributions, bi-focals
		Mark - Bass, vocals, brunt of humour

	9am	Mark & John wake up and launch into 'chin chins' from (The Easybeats') Baby I'm A Comin'
	9.10am	Noel & Ian wake up and throw pots and pans at Mark & John
	9.11am	Mark & John stop singing 'chin chins' from Baby I'm A Comin'
	9.12am	Noel & Ian return to their slumber
	9.13am	Mark & John launch into the chorus from I Want to Hold Your Hand
	9.14am	Noel & Ian wake up again and throw Mark & John off verandah
	9.16am	Noel & Ian return to sleep
	9.30am	John & Mark come back to the flat slightly bruised and decide to make breakfast
	10am	Noel & Ian eat breakfast
	10.01am	Noel & Ian throw breakfast at Mark & John
		[Dialogue begins.....]
	JOHN	Sorry, but I thought you liked chicken liver sauce and asparagus tips on crumpets
	IAN	(cough, cough, splutter....)
	NOEL	(cough, cough, splutter........urgggggggggh, vomit, splutter)
	JOHN	Ok - how about Corn Flakes?
	MARK	What a wonderful, peachy keen idea
	NOEL	[singing] "I'd like to teach the world to sing........."
		[at this point the other three break into fits of convulsive laughter]
	JOHN	Let's go to practice [writes a song first]
	MARK	What a great, simply wonderful idea!
	IAN	Fuck off, you great corny shit-face!
	MARK	Pardon me, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that but I'm sure it was a nice thing you said though
		[they finally manage to get to practice]
	JOHN	[while writing a song] I hope we get a lot done today cos' I'm going away next week [looks up and
		finishes song]
	IAN	[while punching Mark in the stomach] That's ok, we can do fifteen gigs and three practices while
		you're away
	JOHN	[while completing a three song suite he just thought of] Oh, thanks a lot! [he finishes the suite]
	IAN	[while stabbing Mark through the heart with a red hot poker] That's ok
	MARK	Oh, I'm sure that was but a minor accident on your part Ian
	NOEL	Hey, why don't we learn the entire album of Tubular Bells for our encore?
	IAN	No
	MARK	Of course Noel, what a simply marvellous idea [suddenly, Mark is overcome by acute depression and
		spends the rest of the practice huddled in a corner screaming]
	JOHN	You're kidding, I'd never do that crap - it's worse than The Troggs!
	IAN	Right, let's run through the songs
	JOHN	I think it would be better to learn sixteen of my new songs that I've just written [he quickly grabs a
		blank sheet of paper and writes another song], this new one is called One Day Last Week and this other
		one is called One Day Next Year and - hold it [writes another one] this one is called One Day in the
		21st Century
	4.15pm	[Practice ends]
		[John pisses off - Noel, Mark and Ian pack up the gear]
	6.30pm	[Noel, Mark and Ian leave the studio and plead with Trevor (studio boss) if they can be in Studio 4
		next week]
	TREVOR	No, Lynx have a permanent booking because they are the future of rock and have such
		great personalities!
		[John comes back and catches Mark, Ian and Noel before they leave and hands them fifty eight new
		songs of his to learn]

	Sept 22nd	Noel - "We played the Epping School of Arts - we followed a heavy rock band who were very heavy,
		lights etc. you know. We had them dancing and ya-hooing. John and me ripped some posters off the
		walls advertising Widow Quinn and The Clones until only one was left advertising The Clones. I had
		my wallet stolen and then I saw Batman and Robin."
	Sept 29th	Played the Regent Hotel, Kingsford. Mrs Clones Manager (Annie Keogh) saw us for the first time........
		....."and the last time for God's sake!" she said.
		Mrs Clones ("I hate the Beatles") Manager is still suffering and must be injected with daily doses
		of butterscotch to help her recover from the shock.

		BEING A SHORT DIVERSION ON THE RELEASE OF THE FIRST CLONES ALBUM......

		Pop picking is a fast and furious business these days, whether you are on the recording studio side
		listening out or on the disc counter side listening in.

		As a record reviewer, I find myself installed halfway in between with an ear cocked in either direction.
		So far as Australia's record collecting public is concerned, The Clones broke into earshot in October 1979.
		My natural hometown interest in the group prevented me taking a totally unbiased view of their
		early success.

		Eighteen months before their first visit to the Albert Studios in Sydney, The Clones had been voted
		Sydney's favourite outfit and it was inevitable that their first EMI record, AARDVARK ME DO, would
		go straight into the top of Sydney's hit parade.

		This record comprises eight Cloned compositions in addition to six other numbers which have
		become firm favourites in The Clones varied repertoire.

		The group's admiration for the work of The Aardvarks is demonstrated by the inclusion of
		BABY A-CHOO CHOO (John taking the lead sneeze with Mark and Ian supplying the harmony hiccups)
		and TITS (a fast rocker which allows drummer Noel to make his first and last recorded appearance
		as a semi-vocalist).

		BANANNA, DON'T ASK ME WHY and SHAKE AND SHOUT also feature stand-out solo performances
		from John whilst DO YOU WANT TO KNOW AN AARDVARK hands the audio spotlight to Ian.

		All in all, this album is stuffed and I wouldn't buy it if it was given to me.............

	Oct 22nd	Played at Garibaldi's Community Centre punk club - Sunday night. It was....err, different!
	Oct 28th	John has left his job with the Commonwealth Bank, Summer Hill giving weight to the rumours that
		The Clones are going all the way
	Nov 9th	David Keogh - "This is an historic moment. The time - 1.05am. The date - November 9, 1978. At this
		moment in time I, David Keogh, seven days from being The Clones manager for two months, hereby
		make my first entry in The Clones historical review.
		As manager, my first directive in writing is for this written record to be maintained at all times in the
		present and future ("get whacked!!" - interlude from Mark).
		The following is a non-paid political commercial written outside the Coach & Horses Hotel between
		dodging ill-aimed blows being thrown by various Clones and hangers-on!!
		The Clones will survive!!!
		Ve vill beat zem on ze beaches and ze Seaview and in the loo of Garibaldi's. We will be able to be in
		Juke next week! (watch the 'what's on' column folks). That's all for now."
	Nov 22nd	Played at Dr Redbird's Wine Bar, North Sydney - famous quote: "Never played on a matchbox before!"
		Noel gave his ride cymbal the boot for the night - we missed it dearly. Next time we'll bring our
		own stage.
	Nov 23rd	Governor Bourke Hotel, Camperdown - for the first time, the band outnumbers the audience!
		Rob Younger of Radio Birdman turned up about three songs before the end and yelled for more!
		Mark broke a bass string ("impossible" he said, until it happened)
	Nov 28th	Regent Hotel, Kingsford - part of the show recorded on videotape [and exists to this day!-Ed}
1979	Jan 4th	Mark - "On Monday we will be interviewed by SPURT magazine - a punk fanzine that is only sold in
		record bars. Afterwards we will have a band meeting and fire David who has been nothing but
		trouble since his moustache blew up."
	Jan	We've now done 68 gigs so are well on the way to our first 100. Mark is 21 soon, leaving John behind
		as the baby in the group (goo goo da da)..........

		AND NOW, PRESENTING THE CLONE AWARDS FOR 1978
		Best, most dedicated fan: Kerry (honourable mention to Shelley to prevent death of Kerry!)
		Best song of the year: I Want to Hold Your Foot
		Most improved song of the year: (tie) Dizzy and She's Not There (after we dropped them!)
		Stupid comment of the year: "I Should Have Known Better is too well known, let's do She Loves You!"
		Chin of the Year: John
		Funniest sight of the year: John as Johnny Aardvark at Arthur's Court {tie} Noel at Regent New Years
		Party {tie} Mark's face

		Finally, The Golden Clone Award for 1978 to Mr and Mrs David Keogh who had butterscotch and courage
		and faith and egg and bacon pie at all the right times............

		2nd MINI-CLONES PLAY.....("Another day in the life of....")

	DAVID	Now listen fellas, you've got to be more professional, you've got to drop 'Dizzy', you've got to sing
		better, you've got to smile, you've got to jump around, you've got to talk to the audience.....
	MARK	You've got to go!
	NOEL	*What do you mean, we've* got to - you're only the manager, we're the stars - always remember that**
	DAVID	Ok Cisco but you'll never make it without my moustache
	JOHN	........or my mother's
	IAN	Ok boys, we've got to stop this [phone rings, Ian answers - it's his girlfriend who wants him to decide
		between her or the band - he considers the facts: Should he be with a beautiful, warm-hearted, sensitive
		girl whom he loves dearly - enough to buy her milkshakes with malt in them - or should he stay with
		three guys, one with a big chin, a mean disposition and 3,685 pimples, one with a big nose, rotten haircut
		and a wimpy attitude to everything and one who is a drummer? After a few seconds he chooses
		the girl]
	DAVID	See you Ian. Okay boys, what do we do now?
	NOEL	Well, we could talk to the audience
	DAVID	And smile..........[for a minute everyone gets excited because Ian comes back in the room but he just
		forgot his shoes]
	JOHN	Okay, who's going to sing Route '66 and When I Get Home?
	MARK	You can, I'm leaving............
	DAVID	You can't leave
	MARK	Ok, I'll stay
	NOEL	I'm leaving
		[silence]
		[Noel walks out the door, pushed by John and Mark]
	DAVID	Now we've got to replace both of them
	JOHN	But where are we going to find anyone bad enough to fill Noel's position?
	MARK	I know, we'll get Geoff!
	DAVID	No, he doesn't have enough cymbals
	MARK	I'm leaving
	DAVID	You can't leave
	MARK	Yes I can, look [he leaves]
	DAVID	Well, now that they're all gone John, that just leaves you
	JOHN	Great, now I can play bass with one hand, guitar with another and drums with my feet-I can also sing
		lead and harmonies both at the same time
	DAVID	And remember to smile at the audience, talk to them a lot and don't waste time between songs

	NEXT WEEK	John does his first gig at French's to rave reviews - he gets a record contract, becomes a big star and all
		of him lives happily ever after. David buys a new moustache....

		DAVID WRITES: "Having fitted my new moustache, I now feel fully qualified to further this fantastic
		collection of meaningless antiques. As always, it's 3.25am on a Saturday morning, January 6th.........."

	Jan 6th	Hopetoun Hotel - notable for its Imperial-type atmosphere/as soon as you turn your head there's a brawl.
		Jim Towers of Cordon Bleu came and said "of course I'm French, why do you think my agency
		has this outrageous name?!?"

		ANOTHER CLONES PLAY (not another one......."yes, another one!")

	THE SCENE	It's 9am on a Saturday morning. It was quiet in The Clones household. Noel is in bed asleep, his
		sheets and blankets saturated with the sweat pouring from his now fully opened perspiration
		glands. John is reclining wistfully in an armchair facing out of the immense glass window which
		provides a flirtatious view of the grandiose valley below.........
		Mark and Ian are quietly discussing the gig the night before while sipping vivaciously from mugs of
		hot coffee prepared by Mrs. Clones Manager who is in the kitchen conjuring up a delightful
		breakfast of egg and bacon pie with a side order of butterscotch.
		David is nowhere to be found but his trail is obvious as fine moustache hairs lay in a line, leading
		out on the landing like a lion's life is lead, leading lowly existence while living little less than
		lengthy times..........
	IAN	I think we should drop anything that doesn't move
	MARK	But that means there'll be only three songs left
	IAN	Good! Then we can go home earlier
	DAVID	[leading even lowlier like a little lamb back into the lounge]
		Good morning amigos!
	IAN	Hello David, I was just saying to Mark that we should drop more songs
	DAVID	I was just thinking about suggesting that we could drop everything and do IT'S MY LIFE by
		The Animals 45 times every night
	NOEL	Good idea [he says as he slurps and slobbers into the room, his sweat soaked feet leaving a damp trail
		on the shag pile]
	JOHN	[looking over from his chair whilst bursting pimples in all directions] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
		no, no, - I absolutely refuse, I will not do it, no, no, no, no, no, no way, never! - definitely my answer
		is NO! What was it you were suggesting again?
	IAN	Go back to sleep John
	JOHN	But I am - I can sleep and argue at the same time. I have an automatic recording in my mouth that
		just says no to every request
	MARK	If you don't shut up I'll skewer you with this mike stand and smash my bass over your head
	NOEL	Come on fellas, we're supposed to love each other. Well, we're supposed to like each other a lot -
		at least we're supposed to think a little of each other - well, you can't say we're supposed to
		hate each other.......
	MARK	Now you're talking, where's my mike stand?
	ANNIE	[aka Mrs Clones Manager] Now let's be logical about this-don't get into any radical absurdities
		or paranoid schizophrenias - we can do without unnecessary phobias or incandescent tubulatory
		miscarriages
	DAVID	Will you please not do that Annie!
	MARK	Do you want to borrow my mike stand David?
	IAN	I'm leaving the band..........
	DAVID	Why?
	IAN	I have to go to the toilet
	DAVID	Oh, good - you'll be back then
	IAN	I think so, and when I come back I want us to practice for two hours and then take a five minute break
		and then practice until next Monday. Then we can link up fifty eight songs, choreograph three jumps,
		*make some posters, practice some more and then we can really* start working**
	DAVID	I don't care what you do as long as you do some of it on the North Shore
	ANNIE	Ian's got a point there, so has Noel, good idea Mark and John's right about that [Annie looks around
		and makes three more stuffed toys]
	DAVID	Could you not do that Annie!!!
	ANNIE	Sorry-I'm really, really sorry
	MARK	I feel in a violent mood tonight, let's go out and kill a few punks
	IAN	But I thought you were a wimp
		[Mark suddenly has a wimpy relapse and retreats to the corner for the next three hours while John
		writes twenty four new songs, Ian talks and Annie makes another eighty nine stuffed toys]
	DAVID	Could you all not do that!!!!!
		[Three days later, after much songwriting, toy stuffing, wimping etc. they all decide to sit down and
		have a serious meeting. Three hours after they begin the meeting someone starts to talk...]
	IAN	I think we need to improve the playing ability - in other words, Mark, Noel and John should stop
		playing
		[There is silence for a few seconds then the entire room erupts into a volcanic explosion of attack,
		insult, counter-attack and counter insult with Annie in the middle trying to psychoanalyse the
		whole situation and work out who is right and why. She's going well until a stray Venetian cookie
		connects with her upper molars and she collapses in a heap under the battered coffee table]
	EVERYONE	COULD YOU PLEASE NOT DO THAT ANNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!